


Break My Wishbone

by ContentWithRaphie



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-17 12:58:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4667390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ContentWithRaphie/pseuds/ContentWithRaphie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>RAPHAEL- MAIN CHARACTER</p>
<p>What is in our heads the whole time we're having wanted sex is something like "Yesyesyes - moremoremore," not "Nonono – stopstopstop." It's "I wish we could do this all day," not "I wish he would just kill me and be done with it."</p>
<p>"How could I have walked? Truth is: I couldn't, but for the sake of my reputation, I pushed myself to stand. And even though I wanted to not exist, collapse into the floor and decay, I knew I had to be strong because no one was going to be strong for me. All I could do was stand though. I would have yelled in agonizing pain, but I held it in, bottled it all up with rocks at the bottom of it. I would toss it in the deepest part of the ocean and let the rocks take it to the sandy floor below, in the darkness, hoping the waters wouldn't bring it back. I did it for the image of the Raphael everyone knew. Like as if nothing could break me.<br/>...but I was broken. I was so easily pulled apart...like a wishbone, but the wishes I have made that day are too vicious to tell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Red and Blue

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU CAN NOT READ PLEASE REFRAME FROM READING THIS MATERIAL AS IT MIGHT BE TRIGGERING OR EVEN UNCOMFORTABLE TO SOME READERS.

Chapter 1

The earliest of the early, Leo was up doing his morning meditation. He said it calms him to do it just before the sun rises while everyone of his brothers are asleep. He breaths, inhales then exhales as he clears his mind. He thinks of nothing but of his breathing. He becomes one with his breathing...nothing, but his breathe. He sits pretzel-like on the floor of the dojo. He lifts his head slightly as he continues to do his breathing exercises. Everything is quiet in the layer, even a sound didn't escape from Master Splinter’s area.

A sudden disturbing noise...  
crying...  
whimpering?

Leonardo couldn't concentrate thinking maybe one of his brothers could be releasing stress through tears. Probably Mikey. Mikey has his habit of crying when he just finished reading a tearful scene from his comic series.

...still the blue eyed turtle had to check. This time the crying had a deeper tone of voice and it didn't sound like his playful little brother. The whimpering was low and faint, but still prominent. He makes his way towards the sound. The whimpering developed into giggles...In fact, it might actually be the orange clad, Leo thought. He knocked on the door. He waited...nothing. He called out.  
"Mikey?" Leo was a little worried now. Michaelangelo always answered the door, "Mikey answer the door or better yet can you keep it down. As a leader I must complete my meditation. You know that little bro." Leo's low and calm voice was tired, yet firm.  
Moaning...  
(Moaning?) has Leo's little brother discovered masturbation? Leo was a little lost and surprised at the same time. His brother is actually exploring himself.

No.  
There was a faint smell coming from the room and it wasn't sex. Leo was beyond worried now because what he smelled wasn't sexual body fluid...it was a very thick smell and one that he recognized all too well. He banged on the door this time and he called out for Mikey. "Mikey! Mikey! Answer the door little bro I can help you!" He didn't know what else to do until he heard a faint voice from the side of him.

"Leo, bro why are you waking me up. What's the prob dude?" The orange clad put a hand to his eyes and rubbed them to clear his vision. Leo was shocked now. "I'm sorry, I thought I heard you in there crying and then... I smell blood! Mikey help me open this door! Please!" He glanced up and then looked up to see that Mikey had disappeared.

"Mikey! Help me! What the hell?!" His feet suddenly felt soaked and he tried to wipe off the wetness, but was drenched. He looked down and his feet were covered in blood. He tugged at the door knob and put his foot on the wall to give him more stability and strength.  
His foot was slipping and sliding from the blood streaming from underneath him. He cried out, "BRO! OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE!" He honestly didn't know if It was me, the red masked one, or Donny. He pulled at the doorknob until it almost broke off. "BRO! IT'S OK!," His voice shook now. "bro, Donny? Raphie? please I can help...everything will be ok just open the door for me please..."

Leo opened his eyes...

"Wha...?" He was surprised that he was back in the dojo still pretzel like on the floor. "How could..." Leo's word escaped him. Mikey jumped down from his room and yawned like a hippo. "Bro, that was a good nap! You should stay in more often, you don't know what your missin'!" He said cheerfully.

"Yea, maybe I will..." Leo said with his head down. He was more confused than ever. Was it a dream? How could he have fell asleep during a breathing exercise?

Hey! Leo ya done yet! I'm ready to prove how good I am at cookin'. Broken ribs are gonna be served this mornin'". And there I was throwing shade as usual. Leo could be a pain to me, but he was the best partner I could practice with. He fuckin gave it all he got I could say that for sure.

"mmmm...naaaaa I feel like I'm in the mood for eggs." Mikey giggled and ran toward the kitchen and like always I chased after him. "I didn't as' you!" I always wondered why Mikey found joy in taunting me and knowing that I always beat him up afterwards he still seems to want more. Brat.

"Mikey you can sit on it," I stuck a middle finger up at him...or what seemed to be the middle finger since all we freakin have are three fingers. "you can sit on it, rotate and then repeat!" We were 18. ALL OF US. Yet I doubt the age of Mikey though since he never acts mature...Master Splinter swears we were all born the same day.

"Ewwwww, that's soooo gay." Mikey imitated a feminine voice perfectly. Gay. That's all I could think of. My brother must be gay somehow or else he wouldn't of done that so convincingly. "Bro...sometimes I wonda if that dick a yours is an illusion." I snapped back.  
"Bro, your whole gangster facade is an illusion, stop lying to yourself!"

"Fuck you!"  
"Dude...I don't swing that way, that's the second time I gotta remind you!  
"Fuck do ya mean?! I was about to land one on him until Leo got in the middle and simply blocked Mikey from my view. His face was nose to nose. I could smell the toothpaste.  
"Leo..." I gridded my teeth and I was beyond ticked off.  
"No. Raph. This morning will have to pass. I really don't want to deal with this." The fuck does he mean he doesn't want to deal with this? He didn't fucking have too!  
"You don't have too, get out of my fucking way! Now!" I attempted to shove him to the side but he gripped my arm hard. Big. Fucking. MISTAKE. I don't like when people man handle me and think that it's ok. Leonardo always has a way of making me remind him of that.

"Leo, get off me. You know I don't like it when people do that shit," My voice was low and deep much like a warning I was trying to give. Hey, I'm actually starting to give people a chance to change their thoughts before I deliver the first punch.

"I will let go of you, I promise only if you don't hurt Mikey. You know where that leads too don't be stupid. I told you I didn't want to do this today."

"Oh. So you think that because you don't wanna deal with it that I can't do it? Man! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK." Unfortunately Master Splinter grabbed me by my bandana and yanked my head back so hard I could've sworn I felt my shell.

"Raphael! You will be in my room for now until you cool off! I will not allow such violence among either of you. You are his brother and you will act as such! Your pride in the way Raphael maybe you should be trying to shove it to the side instead Leonardo. Now you will perform back flips to my room since you want such an exercise this morning." My whole body got even hotter. I hate the humiliation I give myself. I wanted to land one of Master Splinter, but maybe the old rat is right. My pride was in the way and its gonna cause more than just humiliation because my world will change and so will my pride, my image, my heart, my sensei, my brothers, my friends. My body.

End of Chapter 1

-ContentWithRaphie


	2. Not Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 recap:
> 
> "I hate the humiliation I give myself. I wanted to land one of Master Splinter, but maybe the old rat is right. My pride was in the way and its gonna cause more than just humiliation because my world will change and so will my pride, my image, my heart, my sensei, my brothers, my friends. My body." -Raphael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU CAN NOT READ RAPE PLEASE REFRAME FROM READING

Chapter 2

There I was sitting in Master Splinter sanctuary frustrated as ever...more frustrated than a cat trying to claw fish from a fish bowl. I always do this to myself...then after the lecture, I let it play in my head over and over again. I guess that's why I'm angry all the time it can make anyone sick and tired of me. I sat patiently, waiting...waiting for those same words. "You're nothing like you're brother, you're impatient, you're violent and completely uncontrollable at times. It's as if you touched the sun, but didn't bring it's radiance with you, only fire!" Those words hit me harder than ever. It let me know that "not being like my brother" meant that I was a disappointment. The problem is, I will never be like my brother because I'm not him and everything that I do, breath in, consume in my path will scream Raphael, not Leo. And they will fear me, not Leo.

This waiting game kills me, but it's not because of what my Sensei will say, but because I have to sit there and actually listen to every word. How unfortunate to have to listen to the fact your father hates not just the sound of your name, no, almost every existence that you are. I wait while my soul feels like it wants to leave the room. I wait while beads of sweat roll down my...

"Raphael," Splinter's body heat radiates from his fur as he stood behind me. "My son, we've had this conversation over and over again. MUST. WE. REPEAT IT?" ...no...my mind replied.

"I don't know what's wrong with me, sensei," Not the response that I hoping would come out of my mouth. This is my way of asking for help. I honestly don't know how else to ask for it.

"If you are in dire need of an answer to that question, I'm sorry my son, but I have none to give. All I know, all I seem to notice is that while everyone else is building bridges to travel and reach their destiny, you seek to destroy it burning it to the ground! You must love inhaling the smell of charcoal smoke because soon you will be stranded where you will have no choice, but to hope that someone is kind enough to let you onto their boat before you rot!" His fists clenched while he wiped a hand through his fur in exhaustion. "I'm tired Raphael. I'm tired." He existed the room leaving me there to add his words to list of other words he's said to me. Now all I have left is to go to my room only to stay up most of the night hating everything in our Layer and the people in it.

I walked to my room, no, I dragged my feet to my room because I know as soon as I hit that pillow my mind is going to be racing. My head lowered itself on the pillow so slowly as if I was stalling, but my mind wasted no time in making me feel like shit. Another sleepless night.

"Hey little bro!" Leo shouted from the top of the layer while I dragged myself like I was in a body bag to the practice mat.

"What do you want?" I clearly sounded unhappy. Leo took a notice and changed his tone.

"What did Splinter say to you?" His face looked almost empathetic.

"What do you care? You wanted it now leave me alone I had no sleep last night," Expectedly he didn't give up.

"Whatever he said to you, I didn't mean for him to say it. You know that I don't like people speaking for me and if I wanted to really say something I would personally come to you for it. That is what leaders do!"

"LEADERS! It's always 'bout being a Leader isn't it Leo?! You're so hell bent on being the perfect leader that everything you do breathes Splinter. You know you only doing this for him and not yourself! You probably don't even know who you are because you're so busy trying to be something someone else wants!

"Oh clearly you are jealous and most importantly you don't possess the qualities a leader needs to be one. That's why Sensei didn't chose you!" Leonardo deserves everything that's coming to him and more!

"Oh! oh hell no! I don't want to be a fucking leader!"

"It's because you know you don't have the balls to be one! All you have is a flaming butt hole that's always fucking lit! You need to put the fire out before you fucking burn down the whole layer," I socked one to him. I couldn't take another conversation about fire, smoke and burn.

"Your just like fucking Splinter! You even speak like him! Fuck you, fuck Splinter and fuck everyone." Leo gave a punch right back and I can tell he wasn't holding back anymore.

"How dare you say that about our Father! How can you say that about us? your brothers!" We were rolling on the floor and I did not let go of him for nothing. I had such a grip on him it might've blocked his blood circulation.

"Splinter is no father of mine and we are not related! We're not blood brother! I can't stand you I can't stand how you can be his world, everything he's ever cared about!" He was sitting on me giving me the round house of fists. I ticked him off really good. Apparently the one thing that can make him feel like he's on a cliff is dissing Splinter the way I did. He loves Sensei. I did too once, but when you become the center of his hatred you begin to run and soon you too develop hatred. One that can't be mended because it was torn by pride.

"I love this family bro and I will not let you butcher what is left of us!" I was bleeding from my nose now...or was it my mouth? Shit! I couldn't tell anymore. His anger swarmed like a diseases all over my face. I could taste the blood on my tongue. Both of my eyes were closing on me and I could feel that I couldn't open my eye lids anymore. I then could hear Donatello screaming Leo's name. I felt his weight being lifted off of me. I passed out...

I woke up on a table with a blurry vision and someone arms moving over me. All I could see were arms. My vision began to clear, but pain came with it. Oh, the pain woke my ass up so quick I remembered everything.

"Raph? Are you ok?" Donnie was hovering over me. Splinter was across the room. I'm pretty sure he knows what words were exchanged between me and Leo.

"My son. Leo told me everything. We must speak because I fear what is in you is much more dangerous."

I shot a look towards Leo.

"You fucking bitch! You told him I'm the fucking monster didn't you, you little shit! You're not my brother! I don't have my blood running through your veins, Leo!"

"ENOUGH!" Sensei covered my mouth. "Everyone leave this room at once and Leo.." Leo was calmer than I thought he would be. He quietly nodded his head and with sorrowful eyes he left the room. It didn't make sense to me.

"Raphael, my dear son. You are a rare one. Leonardo told me it was his fault. He told me he pushed you to your limit and some words came pouring out of you like a rushing waterfall. Do you really think I don't love you? If I had one ounce of hatred I would have gotten rid of you or perhaps, metaphorically speaking, I would've let you fall to your death without giving you a warning. I love you so much that the lectures I give you aren't meant to hurt you, but to serve as a reminder that you have a family to think about and people who love you and would do anything for you including giving their very lives for you. Donatello relies on the mind, Leonardo relies on instinct and precision, Michaelangelo...well Mikey is with his stomach. You, my son, is special, so special that I have to shield it. You...you are the heart. You allow your feelings to dictate your actions and every move, every word. The heart can be very dangerous and can be a very brutal weapon. Don't let the heart make a weapon of itself."

A tear fell from my eye and my throat felt sore.

"It can misguide you and the decisions you make from your heart might not be the right one. It can rational so therefore damaging to you and to others."

"...but how can I tell if it's from the heart?" I was sobbing on that table like a helpless pig about to be gutted.

"Whatever decision you make you must see the reason behind it. Look at all the possibilities and all the outcomes. The most dangerous decision of all is one of selfishness. You have love in your heart, but selfishness and pride can keep that love as prisoner. You will never know what your heart is truly capable of if you don't see the reason behind your actions. Do not hurt your heart, nurture it my son." He placed a kiss on my forehead and left the room. I was alone, but I was left confused and in pain. So Master Splinter does love me.

He loves me...

I guess Leo saw what Master Splinter didn't. He was angry, but only because I wanted him to be. If I look at my reasons maybe people won't be so upset with me anymore.

"How could I be so stupid." I said out loud. Tears stained my cheeks while my eyes stared into the bright lights above me. I could barely open them enough as it is and Donny has fucking lights in my face. I need to leave it would be better for everyone if I was gone. Sensei said my heart is the problem so maybe if I grew cold It wouldn't be such a problem anymore. Then...what did he say about having love as a prisoner? What is holding me back? Maybe I am jealous of my big bro only because I know Splinter adores him. God! I'm confused! Man Leo really did do a number on me. I can't even think.

Bro...I'm so sorrry...


	3. Piece of Meat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 Recap: 
> 
> "Splinter is no father of mine and we are not related! We're not blood brother! I can't stand you I can't stand how you can be his world, everything he's ever cared about!" He was sitting on me giving me the round house of fists. I ticked him off really good. Apparently the one thing that can make him feel like he's on a cliff is dissing Splinter the way I did. He loves Sensei. I did too once, but when you become the center of his hatred you begin to run and soon you too develop hatred. One that can't be mended because it was torn by pride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU CAN NOT READ RAPE, PLEASE REFRAME FROM READING.

Chapter 3

How long have I been on this table? What time is it? Did I really fall asleep? Where is everyone? My damn head still hurts and bad enough I'm still thinking these dumb thoughts.

At least I know where I left off.

Master Splinter told me it's my heart….Maybe I should leave…..go to April and Casey's place and crash for a while. I need to straighten myself out.

I slowly rolled over until my feet where able to feel the cold ground. I was tired so the temperature didn't faze me. My hands were numb and vision was terrible.

"Kick harder! HARDER!" Practice. I can tell. The world moves on without me. How…..usual.

"Harder dammit! I said harder!" wooh. That doesn't sound like Splinter. My legs carried me to the door in a zombie like manner while my head faced the floor. My hands were pointing outward as if I was blind.

"You're a horrible kicker!" The orange clad stated.

"Hey! Take that back I'm not like Raphael!" Donatello's tone was strong.

"What's the matter? Ya can't handle my kicks?" I boldly blurted out.

I hate when people talk behind my back. *Sign* but what can you do when the people don't have the balls to say it to your face? Today isn't the day though. I continued to walk passed them as they stared at me. I heard Mikey whisper something at Donny…..something like Leo did a number on me or something like that. Like I said I wasn't in the mood and it sucks when I can't really express how I feel.

I made my way out of the dojo through the egg shaped elevator. Some fresh air will do. I decided maybe I shouldn't go to April's since I'm so battered up….. Or so I thought… I wouldn't want her worried about me, since she's not my mother. Today seemed so off since the beginning, I wouldn't be surprised if it got worse. Sure enough it did as soon as I went walking on the roof tops, I would say thirty minutes after walking, someone was watching me. FUCK…. I forgot I don't have the sharpest eye sight right now.

 

"Hey where's Raph? Splinter wants to talk to him some more….." Leo wasn't so happy when he said this. He was hiding something In his voice.

"why? Hasn't Splinter said enough?" Donny proclaimed.

"listen….I know what happened earlier wasn't fair, but you know how Raph is…. he has an anger problem….Splinter feels like he needs more help than we can give him." Leo pointed his eyes towards the floor and started rubbing the back of his head.

"what are you saying?" Donny was hooked now. What was it that Leo was actually trying to say? He stepped closer to his blue brother and were now in the middle of the dojo.

"Splinter wants to send him to the tribunal…..they know of someone who can he-…"

"HE'S SENDING HIM AWAY?! And how the hell is that suppose to help him?"

"WE haven't done such a fantastic job so far. Master Splinter has NO OTHER CHOICE. It's not like we can send him to a psychiatrist around here. Where is he?!" Leo was growing impatient.

"…he walked out," Mikey said with a quiet tone. He knew what was coming next.

"Walked….OUT….. how the FU-DONNY! You of all people know that he's not doing so hot right now. Why would you just let him walk past you?!"

 

I felt someone…..their eyes burned me. I could even smell him….

"You should not be out here so alone." The voice spoke with a dark tone.

"I can defend myself just perfectly without your help!" I recognized that voice so well. Why? Why tonight! Any other night would have been just fine. Shit! I can't see very well, but my ears pick up his words with no defect.

Shredder.

"HA! Such sarcasm! Fortunately I won't be giving you that tonight. It will be quit the opposite. I will make an example of you as I did with your brother Leonardo!"

My sais slid into the palms of my hands. I might not have been able to see, but father taught me how to fight blind. I felt the vibration of his feet as he charged towards me. I steadied and waited patiently until he got closer. FINALLY! I struck my first blow to what felt like his left side. I heard him whimper. Oh, but don't get too excited. The fight wasn't over though.

"We gotta go look for him. Splinter wants to send him tonight." Leo headed towards the door of the elevator. His brothers followed reluctantly.

Shredder delivered a bunch to my face. Ouch! Fuck. Those blades on his knuckles slit my face. I must be bleeding like crazy.

"while I was sitting in my layer….I decided to change up my plans. Take a different approach. I have been too soft on all four of you. Maybe if I show you how far I can go, then you'll know who calls the shots!" He kicked me hard and I felt my intestines curdle up. I forgot my body is in no shape to fight. He delivered another blow…oh….my intestines were definitely curdling now, but I was in no way in hell gonna just give up. That's not what a ninja does.

Breathing heavily I said, "Oh I wonder what plan your cooking up this time, because if this is your plan it's gonna burn in the oven." Sure enough he caught my bluff. As I lunged toward him he caught my bandana and pulled me toward the floor.

"I know what's burning tonight and I can see it's already nice and crispy for me." What could he possibly mean? Shredder is known for killing people and if I was gonna die tonight then that couldn't possibly be the worst. Im not afraid of death, but what happened next shocked the hell out of me and will change not only me, but my family forever.

"Let's get to it shall we?" I don't understand if we weren't gonna fight then-? As soon as the Shredder said this he spun me round, bending me over so I had to grasp the edge of the roof top for support. He leaned over me, pushing my bottom up and roughly pinching and squeezing my cheeks. What the actually fuck was the Shredder thinking? Then he was yanking at my shell as a small flap on the bottom of my shell let loose. HELL NO! I began to kick with every move I knew in the book. He pinned my legs down with his knees. That shit actually hurts if you've ever had it done to you. So many things were running through my mind…how the hell am I gonna explain this to my brothers?

He must have removed the bottom half of his suit at the same time because as he moved forward again I felt him between my cheeks, sliding along the thin film of sweat on my skin.

Then he was moving it lower, the head searching out the entrance to my snap, his fingers parting my cheeks and then driving it home. I grunted and took a firmer grip of the bricks so I could fight back the pain in the feel of Shredder's member stretching the walls of my anus and setting off the first ripples of piercing agony that I knew would build to a shattering climax. I was not, however, ready for what happened next. After a couple of minutes of hard thrusting, Shredder pushed as deep as he could, causing me to arch my back and wrapped his arms tightly around me, leaning forward to whisper in my ear.

"You perform like a dead piece of meat," he hissed.

I froze - experienced as I was I'd never taken a cock up my ass and I surely will never forget this. As frightened as I was, I broke. Tears came down my face….the pain.. God the pain.

The Shredder slowly withdrew from me and he pushed me back down again. Shoving my bloody face into the dirt floor as I held onto the bricks harder, making me quiver with fear. Moving behind me again I felt his tip glide across my cheeks and I looked back over my shoulders to glimpse his member. I wanted to stab him with my sais, but they were in no direction to be reached. I can't tell my brothers. They'd look at me like I've done lost my mind.

I swear I went weak at the knees as I saw the size of it. Moving down my vulnerability Shredder laughed at me. I couldn't watch - he was going to split me in two! I felt the hot head press against me and I tried to force myself to relax, but it wasn't easy. The fucker applied a steady force and suddenly with an almost audible pop he was in. He paused while I had to digest the sharp pain that was engulfing my body.

"Ready?" he whispered,

"GET OFF ME!" but before I could finish yelling he pushed forward completely filling me with his hardness.

That did it, I screamed so loud I could've sworn the Fucking president heard me. My insides started to spasm as I was helplessly wracked by orgasm. Shredder could obviously feel the contractions in me through the thin walls and with a loud grunt shot his baby bastards into me.

Blood. So much of it. He ripped me open I know he did. I felt it. I almost blacked out. Shredder reached over and started slapping me with his hand. With a final thrust of his hips Shredder was spent and he pulled me up to a standing position with my back to his chest. .

"From now on," he gasped , still trying to get his breath, "I'll fuck you where I want , when I want - I'm your daddy now!"

And do you know what? As I stood there feeling his prick slip out of me leaving a trail of sticky sperm to run down the crack in my ass I thought, I just got raped and how the fuck am I gonna get home? I don't even wanna face my family.

END OF CHAPTER 3

-ContentWithRaphie


	4. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 recap
> 
> "I know what's burning tonight and I can see it's already nice and crispy for me." What could he possibly mean? Shredder is known for killing people and if I was gonna die tonight then that couldn't possibly be the worst. Im not afraid of death, but what happened next shocked the hell out of me and will change not only me, but my family forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU CAN NOT READ RAPE, PLEASE REFRAME FROM READING

Chapter 4

APOV:

After the whole thing, his mind froze in utter disgust. How…how could this happen to him. Out of all the turtles he had to pick him. Raphael could feel the sensation of nausea take control of him and BAM!

"BLAHHHHH…." The contents spilled out of him faster than diarrhea. Oh god! He felt so sick.

"How am I gonna go home? Masta Splintas neva gonna let me in the laya now!" The red turtle couldn't fathom how maybe if he did go home, they would smell the shame on him like mildew on a bathroom wall. 'They wouldn't help me wash it off though'. The turtle tried to move, but all he could do is stand there. The pain would soar up his spine whenever moving a muscle was required.

"…..I gotta try something," He lowered his head in embarrassment and clenched his fists. "I can't even fucking move so even if I wanted t' go somewhere else 'sides home, I couldn't. DAMMIT," The thought was unappealing and left him with no other choice, but to call his brothers. What was he going to say over the phone? Maybe he fought the Foot or maybe he ran into the purple dragons again and they really handed his ass to him this time. Raphael pulled his shell-cell out and stared at it. His hands shook while he dialed his brother's number…..Donnie. The cold air pierced him and gently passed his lower region that was bleeding profusely and it simply reminded him that he was in no shape to even face Donnie. The agony washed over his whole body like the way hand sanitizer reminds you that you have a paper cut.

"Donnie is gonna have tons of questions and I'm in no mood to answer them. FUCK!" Shredder was gone clearly leaving the distressed turtle left alone in his own dark thoughts.

"Fuck him! I swear he's gonna pay! I'm no ones bitch…." He clenched his fist again accidently pressing the call button. "I swear he's gonna wish he has never bothered to touch me," So many thoughts where in his head all at once: Dark ones, sad ones, really disturbing ones, and over all fear. "I'm gonna get you Shredder! I'M GONNA GET YOU! My sais is going right up your fucking…..!"

"Hello…?" A small voice was heard in the turtle's sweaty, balled up hand.

Donatello. 

"Shit…..oh no," He covered the receiver. 'Dammit I hadn't meant to press the call button. What the hell am I gonna say' He slowly let go of the receiver.

"Hello? Raph? Is that you bro? Raph….hello?" Don sounded concerned over the phone and very anxious to hear his brother's voice.

"….bro?" Raph managed to squeeze out from his lips.

"Bro you sound like shit…..where are you, you've been gone for almost two hours," The red head fell to the floor and in an instant let out a horrid cry.

"RAPH! What's wrong? Talk to me! Say something…." Donny was desperate and without hesitation, sprang to his laptop to track his brothers where about. He began to type away and the loud clicking of the keyboard, got the blue clad's attention. Leo was simply meditating and calmly practicing his breathing techniques his Sensei taught him. Click Click Click! His eyes pried open. "Don? Did the virus wall break down again?" The eldest turtle saw that his brother's face was concentrated, stone cold and fixated on the blinking red dot on the screen. While he walked over to Donatello he grabbed his sword from the floor and held it to his side.

"Tell me Don, who do we have to fight this time?" His voice was horse and precisely uninviting. Donatello with his head facing downward….

"I don't know. Really I don't know. Raphael won't tell me where he is and I've been trying for the past 10 minutes for him to tell me what is going on. He called me and now I can't get him to answer me," clearly agitated with his brother not answering him, he grabbed his bow staff and kept Raphael on the phone. He jetted 'towards the exit.

"Donnie! We don't have the exact location of our brother!" Leo went back to the screen and searched for the red dot to reveal the spot.

"We don't have time. Raphael seemed in pain and we must find him now! Your shell-cell is free. I can track him from there while keeping our bro on the line. Hurry toss me your phone." Leo dug into the pocket of his belt and threw it to his purple brother.

"Now…..we don't have time so I'll do this on the way. Keep talking to Raph!"

"We're not exactly getting along right now so I don't know why you believe he'll talk to me," Leo grabbed Donnie's phone and made sure the speaker was on.

"Raph, bro I know I'm the last person you wanna talk to right now, but you gotta tell me what's going on please. You have Don and I worried here," Leo really didn't know what else to say. The red reptile could be heard breathing heavily and few curse words here and there indirectly towards Leo.

"I can't make out what he's saying Don he's talking low," Donnie was moving fast and Leo followed behind.

"I have his location and fortunately we're close. I really hope he's ok or I'm sticking my bow up someone's ass tonight," Donnie meant every word he said and he never thought he would curse the way Raph does.

"Wow Donnie I'm pretty sure he's fine. I'm pretty sure he ran into a few Foot and is gonna heal pretty quickly. We are mutant reptiles you know," They continued to run and the further they got the more anxious Donny got.

"Raphael we're on our way please tell me you're ok," Leo didn't know what to think. The fight that occurred earlier melted away. Raph couldn't hold it in anymore and so greatly needed medical attention.

"…..Leo? I can't move…..I really can't move and it's killing m-….," His voice cut off, but you can still hear the city and the cars zooming by. The horns honking, people talking and the wind passing by the receiver.

"Raph?! RAPH!" Leo screamed into the phone.

'There was a faint smell coming from the room and it wasn't sex. Leo was beyond worried now because what he smelled wasn't sexual body fluid...it was a very thick smell and one that he recognized all too well. He banged on the door this time and he called out for Mikey. "Mikey! Mikey! Answer the door little bro I can help you!" He didn't know what else to do until he heard a faint voice from the side of him. 

"Leo, bro why are you waking me up. What's the prob dude?" The orange clad put a hand to his eyes and rubbed them to clear his vision. Leo was shocked now. "I'm sorry, I thought I heard you in there crying and then... I smell blood! Mikey help me open this door! Please!" He glanced up and then looked up to see that Mikey had disappeared. 

"Mikey! Help me! What the hell?!" His feet suddenly felt soaked and he tried to wipe off the wetness, but was drenched. He looked down and his feet were covered in blood. He tugged at the door knob and put his foot on the wall to give him more stability and strength. 

His foot was slipping and sliding from the blood streaming from underneath him. He cried out, "BRO! OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE!" He honestly didn't know if It was me, the red masked one, or Donny. He pulled at the doorknob until it almost broke off. "BRO! IT'S OK!," His voice shook now. "bro, Donny? Raphie? Please I can help...everything will be ok just open the door for me please..." '

Leo froze in place and his mouth hung open only to clench back tightly, flashing his teeth. His fist shook and gripped his swords hard enough to see his fingers turn red. "Donnie how could I have been so stupid!" He now realized what happened earlier that morning when he was pretzel like on the floor.

"Leo?" Don was confused and stopped when he realize his brother rushed passed him.

"Don you better catch up! We might have to actually kill someone tonight. Raph's in trouble I don't think he's gonna make it if we don't step on it," Leadership mode suddenly kicked in and he ran like a cheetah ready to rip its pray to shreds and eat whatever bits and pieces it can salvage. The thought of killing someone never crossed Donatello's mind. He never thought he had to kill someone because Master Splinter never taught them to end someone's life. The reason to put an end to someone's misery would be because you had no other choice. Master said…there is always a choice. The thought kept crossing the purple turtles mind.

"Kill….someone?" He followed closely behind.

(Listen this song: Ivan Torrent- Glimmer of hope)

The red ninja was on the cold hard roof with the phone still in his hand. The screen was still counting the minutes of the ongoing phone call. In the distance you can see the two brothers approach him as Raphael laid unconscious on the concrete. They called his name, but no response from the injured brother. They restricted further movement when they saw blood in multiple places. Who did their brother fight? Who immobilized him to the point that he is unresponsive? The hot headed one, the rock that refused to let anyone move him. Everyone in the layer knows that Leo got his shelled kicked once and fought long and hard, baring the scars and bruises that he thought reminded him of a warrior Splinter taught well. This wasn't that battle and Master Splinter didn't prepare them for this.

"I-I…oh god," Don was speechless. Raphael was bruised terribly and breathing was faint. "He's losing too much blood let's take him home. I'll repair him the best way I can," His head was facing down as if he couldn't bare to look at the scene before him.

"LEO! What are you standing there for?! Grab him and lets go!" Leo was more speechless than Donnie and couldn't look away. He won't look away. All he could think about was that he failed to tell Master Splinter that he had a vision while meditating and it could've saved his brother from this ordeal.

Leo snapped out of it and gently grabbed his brother from the floor and proceeded to run to the nearest manhole. It's cold and the breeze was picking up more than the last hour. His blood was evidence they couldn't risk lazily leaving behind so Donatello stood behind to pour whatever liquid he had in his belt. Getting rid of the evidence would help make sure no one else comes into this mess. They don't need the press and the police to be aware that there are four turtles below the sewer…

It had been hours since they had found Raphael almost lying near death. The sun was beginning to show from the city's horizon. It was day break and none of the turles have slept except their red clad. Everyone sat in the dojo not knowing what to think or do. Master Splinter and Mikey still demanded answers, but neither Leo no Don wanted to give any. I don't think they even knew what had happened to their brother.

"I saw blo-," Don began to say, but was cut off from Leo.

"I know what you saw. I saw it too. In fact I saw it longer than you! You looked away. How could you look away from something like that?!" Leo spat. Unable to control his rage. He didn't know who to hit or who to really be upset at.

"Leo please! How could you even keep looking at something like that? Plus it's not even the blood I was talking about. It's WHERE I saw the blood bro! I have never really saw that before," Don was beyond concerned. He was concerned that his suspicions were true and if so Mikey definitely could never know. He was too young and his old brothers will have to tell him when he gets older.

"Don, not now. Mikey shouldn't even be hearing this. If you want to talk about this then we go my room," It ended the conversation.

Meanwhile back in Donatello's lab, he had Raphael back on the table. He was resting, cleaned up the best to Donatello's ability, and fidgeting dreaming.

(Listen to this song: Ivan Torrent- when I leave this world)

There he was sitting on a cliff in a meditating position with the moon closer than he had ever seen before. He wasn't in pain nor was he afraid. The fear melted away while lightening bugs circled him. He moved his hand only to feel grass as soft as fur. He opened his eyes to see the ground was glowing green and the air was peaceful. The moon got closer and closer to the point that the ground became water and sank underneath, flailing his arms to grab something. It wasn't like death, but it wasn't like living. He had plunged into dark waters and he was letting it take him down. It was simple, weightless, an endless slumber within the crushing depths. Almost lethargically his mind was fighting the spell of sleep and numbness, but the whimpering hum of water babbling past his ears, lulls his sense against all reason. Before long he ceased to fight the downward pull and simply plummet into the timeless void. Forever enveloped into a sea of torment and grief never knowing what lies below, but always aware of what he left behind. The further he sunk, the less the blue light from the surface becomes visible to his heavy eye lids. Suddenly, something wraps around his waist and the water turns into a water color red….

'You perform like a dead piece of meat…'

"AHH!" Raphael wakes up in a swift motion. Beads of sweat run down his neck and drips onto the floor. Panting heavily he questions…..

"Was this all a dream? Was everything just a horrible dream?" He moved his leg to allow his foot to touch the cold floor. Suddenly a pain shot within the quickness stopping him from moving any further. Stiff and afraid to move again, the memories came flooding in. His pupils shrunk when he realized where he was.

"I'm home…..oh god I'm home…..no!" He rolled over and hit the floor. "Donny must have something in this lab that take this pain away," He dragged himself to one of the shelves in hopes of finding that miracle medicine that will take it all away. All he found was Tylenol. "Shit!" Grabbing the bottle he shoved three pills down his throat. "That should help a little so I can get out of here," Raph attempted to pick himself up slowly. It seemed to work. The pain was minimal and tolerable. He slowly walked his way room while you could hear Master Splinter talking. Unable to make out any of the words, he kept walking. There was no way he wanted to be detected. They must have seen the way I looked….they must have seen the way I was in pain. It's all he could think about. The jungle colored turtle grabbed his leather jacket and tried with so much effort to make his way out of the layer. His brothers were in the dojo so he couldn't get to the door. 'Dammit' was all he could think. He'd have to wait until they leave. He sat quietly on the floor waiting and waiting until they had all made it to their rooms. Of course Donnie made a motion to head toward his lab to check on Raph. Donnie's hand made a sign that he was going to turn the door knob, but then stopped. He continued to make his way to his room. "It's best I let him rest…," He heard the brainiac say. "Pufft, ya think little bro?" Raph replied silently, but you can't blame him for being such a caring bastard.

Raphael's POV

I walked as fast as I could, but the pain, man the pain…..it was beginning to be too much. I thought those fucking pills were gonna work, but man I was wrong. This means I have to walk slower, which means anyone could see me now that I'm out in the open. Let me call April and maybe she could come pick me up? That would help, but nahhhhh. I not gonna do that to her she does enough for us already. I'll get there eventually.

April, In the living room reading her favorite book and drinking a cup of overpriced Starbucks drink, had just got back from being on a date with Casey. The apartment was quiet just how she likes it until she heard a small knock at the door. "Who could that be at this hour?" She clearly didn't sound so happy, but I didn't know who to turn too. I waited until I could see her face at the crack of the door.

"Oh! Raphael. What are you doing here at this time of night? Wouldn't your brothers be worried?" She had to bring that up didn't she? *sign* "Come in and sit down on the couch. I tried to walk normal, but that was a fail.

"I can take care of maself thank you very much. I'm fine 'sides I don't want anyone worried 'bout me right now. They don't even know I'm gone," Truthfully they don't know I'm gone, but if they were to find out April would be the first person they'd call or maybe Casey. The damn bonehead wouldn't even know what I'm going through.

"Raph you look bruised and is that a fresh cut on your face?" Oh man this isn't going so well. I tried to hide the cut on my face, but it only proved how embarrassed I was. "Asnwer me Raph…..are you in trouble? It's ok if you are tell me," April's voice calmed me. That's what I loved about her. She never spoke to me like she's scolding me.

"Anyone who's had somethin' truly shitty happen to them will tell ya: It's all 'bout Before and Afta," I tried to explain to April the best way I knew how, but instead of coming directly out and saying it, I didn't realize I was only leaving clues for her. Unconsciously I was trying to avoid the whole thing. After all the fucking strength I had mustered up to tell April what had happened, it just burned away and now I was left out in the open sweating like a deer in the head lights. I didn't like this feeling at all and needed to leave April's apartment pronto! How could I have done this to myself? I knew I had to tell someone to get it out of my shell...to finally have someone to now have to lean on my bedroom wall every night crying myself to sleep. Every time I gain the courage to open my mouth, I only put myself in a corner and all the thoughts of embarrassment and everyone feeling sorry for me comes playing back into my mind. After all, what could anyone say? At best, I'm here for you, at worst, I told you so. The words would pass through but they wouldn't resonate. No one who hasn't been there can understand the horrible nothingness of it, the extent to which there's nothing to do besides just live through it because you don't have a choice, reduce it to its bare bones and digest it like everything else.

The last fucking thing I needed was Leo, the leader, knowing that his brother was raped in such a manner. For Master Splinter to know the son he has trained to kick ass was raped in such a manner. For Mikey, my little pain in the ass (no pun intended) cheeseball to know that his older brother was deflowered in such a manner. How could I be a role model to him now? Donny...Donatello knows what happened. Or at least he has some idea based on how he found me: battered, bruised, bleeding, pain, whimpering, pain, suffering, blood...an enormous amounts of it. How could I have walked? Truth is: I couldn't, but for the sake of my reputation, I pushed myself to stand. And even though I wanted to not exist, collapse into the floor and decay, I knew I had to be strong because no one was going to be strong for me. All I could do was stand though. I would have yelled in agonizing pain, but I held it in, bottled it all up with rocks at the bottom of it. I would toss in the deepest part of the ocean and let the rocks take it to the sandy floor below, in the darkness, hoping the waters wouldn't bring it back. I did it for the image of the Raphael everyone knew. Like as if nothing could break me.

...but I was broken. I was so easily pulled apart...like a wishbone, but the wishes I have made that day are too vicious to tell.

Without looking back I did the best attempt of running out of April's apartment and sprang on the roof tops. April was left on the couch worried more than ever.

END OF CHAPTER 4

-ContentWithRaphie


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael awoke on Donnie's lab table, home and all of his wounds were attended too. His brothers grow suspicious and Raphael doesn't know who to talk too after running out of April's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been dying to type this up! Busy busy busy, but from now on these are going to be short chapters so that I can upload these faster. I have so many ideas for these chapter that I have to write them down in a notebook before typing it up.

Grimes- Oblivion

-Another walk about, after dark  
It's my point of view  
If someone could break your neck  
Coming up behind you always coming and you'd never have a clue-

I ran as fast as I could, but mind you I was still in pain. Shredder really did damn near do a number on me! I had to go back home. I had no other choice. I don't even know why I tried telling April….because she's a women? God! Why would I even think that? Women aren't the only ones that go through something like this. Right?...Right?

I wouldn't even want her to go through what I had experienced. I shouldn't even be out here at night! Hours ago….it happened and I had no power. It can happen again and I still will have no power.

How should I act? Like my normal self? What is my normal self? I don't even know myself anymore. If I try too hard they will definitely notice! Shell even Mikey will notice. I can never tell my little bro. My little cheese ball. I've always cracked down on him, he might crack down on me…..see the thing about Mikey is that he uses his brains when you least expect it. The last thing I need is for my baby brother to find out first. God this pain! This fucking pain.

-And now I'm left behind, all the time  
I will wait forever, always looking straight  
Thinking, counting, all the hours you wait

See you on a dark night  
See you on a dark night  
See you on a dark night  
See you on a dark night-

My feet fall flat on the ground as I pound my way home. The air is cold and unforgiving as I try to forget all what happened. That's it…I'll forget it ever happened…

Authors POV:

The Dojo was quiet as everyone was fast asleep. The pipes dripped and the rats roamed the sewers with their squeaks piercing through the tunnels. Leonardo and Michelangelo were hidden in their rooms bound under their blankets and their breathing echoed the main hall. Donatello, unlike his brothers, was wide awake. Something didn't add up. Something wasn't quite right. His brain was racing! His mind was flooding with so many possibilities, but refused to believe them.

Raphael's wounds…

They aren't what they seem to be.

Donny wanted to say the words, but they wouldn't emanate from his mouth.

"It couldn't be…" It shouldn't be. The brown eyed turtle couldn't organize his thoughts clearly and decided to exit his room. He slowly opened the door and walked little by little while his brothers continued to dream. Suddenly a noise was heard from the dojo. Don instantly took cover in the shadows while approaching ever so gradually. Finally the turtle was close to the corner of the hallway and he paused to get a good sweep of the dojo with his eyes. A couple more glances and he noticed a figure making its way to Donny's Lab. He promptly became defensive knowing his injured brother was in trouble. Raphael. 'Those bastards came back for him' he thought.

No more observing.

"AHHHH!" He screamed his battle cry and charged after the mystery assailant. His face filled with anger as he clenched his fingers. A few inches closer he raised his fists until…

"…..Raph?! He stopped dead in his tracks.

Raphael's POV:

-And now another clue, I would ask  
If you could help me out  
It's hard to understand  
Cause when you're really by yourself  
It's hard to find someone to hold your hand

And now it's gonna be, tough on me  
But I will wait forever  
I need someone now to look into my eyes and tell me  
Girl you know you gotta watch your health-

Oh shit. This can't be happening! I wasn't supposed to get caught. Donny can't see me like this.

"Raph? Is that you?" Donny made a step closer. His fists now unfounded themselves as they reached forward to calmly touch me.

"Leave me alone!" Donny wasn't supposed to see me like this.

"Please Raph, I wanna help. You've been hurt and you shouldn't be up unless you wanna injure yourself even further. And why in the shell were you out of the Layer?!"

"Why do you give a fuck?"

"Raph, don't curse at me. I'm not your enemy…."

"I don't care who I curse at. Right now your pissing me off," I said with a low tone and he was really was pissing me off. Why wouldn't he just drop it and let me go back to the Lab? I honestly didn't want to be bothered.

"Raph since you're so eager to stay up all night, we need to talk," Oh hell no. I'm in no mood to see anyone let alone talk. Talking really isn't my thing right now.

"No. Fuck off bro. I don't wanna talk."

-To look into my eyes and tell me  
La la la la la-

"Those wounds on your body…."

"Dammit Donny! I don't wanna talk!"

"You're gonna talk! I need answers," He said with gritted teeth. "Those wounds on your body…..they look like you've been in a fight…"

"Gee genius, ya don't say?" I rolled my eyes. Maybe if I play along and lead him away from the actually truth, he could stop being down my throat.

"Don't get smart Raph…what I saw…..what Leo and I saw," Leo. Dammit Leo! I don't care what you saw…..It never happened….That's right…..I never fucking happened.

"You didn't see anything. I was fighting some goons and things got out of hand ok? They handed my shell to me and that's it! I don't wanna talk anymore ya got that?"

"…..Raph please," He grabbed my hand gently and his voice changed from forceful to pleading. He was begging me now and I can't answer to that.

"Bro," He said quietly. "You gotta tell me the truth. I'm not stupid," His head was now staring at the hand he was holding. He squeezed it. Something is wrong…no. He couldn't possibly know.

"Don, what I'm telling you is the truth. I fought and I lost. We all lose a battle at some point in time lil' bro."

"Little bro my ass!" His face turned hot. "I'm not little anymore and I know what I see when I see it!" he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me. His head against my chest as my breath freezes. The pupils in my eyes shrink to the size of a pinhole.

Shredder pushed as deep as he could, causing me to arch my back and wrapped his arms tightly around me, leaning forward to whisper in my ear.

"You perform like a dead piece of meat….."

"NO…..NO! Get off me! Get off it!" I didn't realize how I was reacting. It happened all too fast. I bolted to my room while Don stood behind with tear stains on his face. I didn't even realize he had been crying. This is all too much for me. I can't do this. This can't be happening to me! This can't be happening to them… What had given this human asshole the right to touch me? It seemed like the most insulting thing that he didn't even try. Didn't ask me…Obviously rape isn't a sex thing, it's a power thing, but still. He had to knock me out to make it easier like having to tranquilize a tiger before reaching out to pet it. Like he knew my body wasn't an object he should be touching but reached for it anyway. What is in our heads the whole time we're having wanted sex is something like "Yesyesyes - moremoremore," not "Nonono – stopstopstop." It's "I wish we could do this all day," not "I wish he would just kill me and be done with it."

-To look into my eyes and tell me  
La la la la la  
La la la la la  
La la la la la

I see you on a dark night-

Author's note: I quickly wrote this and I hope you guys like this! I will be updating soon. Since they are shorter I will be updating faster ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't type on my computer because of my long nails :/ so typing on my phone is a must. I'll be also using the microphone on my iPhone keyboard. It'll help make it easier. Sorry it took me so long, but I'm planning on uploading two chaps. I hope you enjoy this one. 
> 
> Otep- Jonestown Tea

Donnie's point of view:

Flip flip flip! I was running out of time. I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones, crawling in my skin and the spirit in the air doesn't feel right.

I'm trying to help you big bro. Why won't you let me help you? You always make things hard for yourself... I hugged you and you ran away screaming. Clearly something has happened to you my dear brother...

And it is my job to find out.

I love you. I love you so much and you are not alone! Leo might not wanna face the truth and Master Splinter thinks you only fought...just like you lied to me, but it will come out.

My mind was racing in so many different directions. I was angry. MORE angry then I had ever been before. I was sad, empty and longing for Raph to open up to me. I might be the brains, but dammit I'm not just all about gadgets! He can talk to me. I can help him not make the biggest mistake of his life.

I'm flipping through all the books I've ever owned like a mad dog. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING. I feel so ignorant that I know nothing about this concept except that the act itself is painful both physically and mentally. Help me help you bro. This is hurting me like shell to keep this a secret from Master Splinter and Mikey.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing in my books. My eyes scanned my room looking for any other books I might have missed. My eyes locked onto something on the floor. I stopped breathing. I hadn't realized I held my breath. My laptop laid peacefully on the floor next to my bed. I don't want to open it. The Internet will give me a definite answer...but maybe I don't want to know the truth. Oh god...my face grew hot. If I am to help my brother, I gotta do whatever it takes.

I grab my laptop gently off the ground and placed it on my lap. I lift the screen up and pressed the power button. Waiting for the screen to load is drowning me ever so slowly. I found myself becoming impatient with this piece of technology unlike I had done in the past with my other inventions. Why was I so impatient now?

A bright light flashed in my face and it was ready to go. Ready to take me to a world of pain and suffering. A world I really wish I didn't have to explore. I clicked on the browser and it took me to google homepage. My hands were sweating as I type in the word. Everything became silent, even my typing went unheard. So many links showed on my screen and I clicked on every single one!

Rape

Rape victims

How to help a rape victim

Victim's behavior...

Victim's behavior

That's it! My eyes hungrily searched for the clues that I saw on Raphael. Please tell me what I need to know!

'It is common for survivors of sexual assault to initially deny they were abused. '

"Humiliation, shame and fear equal silence. These emotions cause that response."

'Victims describe this as a surreal feeling –to see other people leading normal lives all around them, but feel so different and separate from them due to the abuse they have endured. This shame and silence can last for decades.

Many survivors wait until well into their adult hood to share their secret. For many male victims, the shame and secrecy is compounded by the fear that their own sexuality may have something to do with it.'

This shame and silence can last for decades. Like shell over my dead body! The faster I can get through to him the faster he can heal! I scrolled for more information.

But what I read was even more shocking...

"Donny?" Wait what?! I slammed my laptop screen so hard I believe it turned itself off.

"L-Leo?" Oh god...how much has he seen?

"What were you looking at?" Leo said uneasy. He saw something. "Never mind don't tell me. I know already," dammit. "Why are you looking that stuff up? It might not even be true," he focused his sight on something else besides me. He knows what he saw. He's lying to himself.

"Leo...I'm tired of you not realizing what we saw. You know where the wounds were, where the blood was!" The blue turtle raised his hand. "Please don't tell me! I'm tired of hearing it!"

"Dammit Blue! Please listen to me...he was bleeding from his fucking asshole for Christ sakes! Stop ignoring this. If your not gonna help me then LEAVE ME ALONE. I'll help Raph myself!" Leo's eyes shot open like as if cocaine has been shot up his blood stream. His orbs became shinier as the candle light in my room danced on his face. A small drop slide down his cheek like an elegant ice skater. I never saw Leo cry.

Biting back a muffle as he wiped the tear on his hand, his cracking voice said, " What...have you found?"

Leo's point of view:

Fuck Red. Why didn't you tell me? My throat hurt as I tried to fight back tears. My eyes were burning from the wetness already forming. I know we fight a lot, but out of all of our brother we shared a lot with each other. We were best buds back then and we kept each other's secrets so well like as if we worked at Area 51. Up to this day I still have kept those secrets. Shell Red...

"What...have you found?" I managed to croak from the soreness in my throat.

"...the last thing I read before you came in was because of what he might have endured..." He swallowed, "...he might not ever enjoy sex. Then because of pyscological harm he could be left unable to get aroused in a normal relationship ... basically condemming him to never be able to have sex without pain." No. NO. Shell no!

"Donny please tell me that might be little extreme."

"From what I've read about sex it makes sense. In order to be aroused you have to want it, allowing your body to get comfortable with that person. You muscles relax and allowing for natural lubrication and penetration, but for a male...there is no natural lubrication. You have to use lube for anal and a some patience for relaxation and arousal..."

"I'm guessing there was no lube used..." I couldn't believe I was even talking about this!

"Judging by damage that was done...no. Forcing sex without arousal is like for a person to do a split without flexibility," I think I'm gonna be sick. I held my mouth as I felt something trying to swim back back up.

"...Don...how can we help him?" I stared at him hoping for a reply. His face was blank. For the first time genius was blank.

Raphael's point of view:

It hurts. It still hurts. The pills have worn off and I'm not heading back to Donny's lab! I'm don't want to leave my room. My body winced as agony shot threw my nerves causing me to freeze. I can't stand the pain. I need this to go away! Please someone take it all away!

And it sounds like Armageddon. Sounds like…come & drink with me.

I lift myself off the bed and walked with every painful step towards my bedroom door. A horrifying thought to came to my head.

-And I remember him fucking me, and I remember liking it.-

I made my way down the hall towards the old part of the layer. The part that hit me like home the most. The way we use to be.

-I didn't know any better.

And I remember the smell, and the pain, & the shame,

and I remember being afraid and thinking everyday,

every single day, that it was my fault.-

I found the old rusty bathtub that we used when we were kids under a running water pipe. I remember splashing water on Mikey's face and Leo tickling my feet under water while he held his breath. Don was staring at the rubber ducky with complete awe as it floated on the surface. We were just turtle tots.

-Oh but what happened to that little boy

who used to dream of one day ruling the world,

who used to draw pretty pictures in my room-beneath the moon?

I stared at it...

Destroying to create, softly praying to God

'What do I do now? What do I do now?' as I secretly would masturbate.-

I turned the valve on the pipe and water began to spill into the old bathtub...

-But then I'd hear his hooves coming down the floor,

with a bible in his hand, softly opening my door and he'd say

'Son! The day of your atonement is due! Well there's 3 million sinners out there and that includes you!'

No Daddy don't! No Daddy don't!

Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

No, I don't want to be free!

So take your dick out of me! Please take your dick out of me!-

I try my best to lower myself into the bathtub. The water was cold...

-I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding. It's not fair, it's not fair.-

I remove my mask and draped it over the side of the bathtub. I lower my head as I allow the water to rise. The water is so cold...

-You see there's this little place I like to go, I like to run and hide, deep inside,

where all the nightmares are real, and all the monsters come alive…-

I can hear the coldness spreading around me. I can feel it's iciness as it freezes my muscles.

-Oh, but the things I've seen in soft, soft visions and terrifying prophecies,

like serpents on the take and Gods coming in all sizes & shapes and nothing seems fulfilling anymore.

Well your temples are swollen in deceit and the body of your missionary, he's rotting, rotting in defeat.-

"Sensei..." My voice soft, yet quivering as the water rises past my eyes.

-Papa? Papa? Papa!

Are the aliens coming to take us away? Is Armageddon gonna happen again today?-

The pacing of my breathing picks up...

-Look what he did to me! Why did you do it to me? Why did you do it to me?

I will not cry! I will not cry! I prefer to die than live this life of lies!

Kill what you can! Challenge everything. Vengeance is mine.-

The water finally reaches my lips and I quickly take a deep breath. Anything. Anything to take this pain away.

-Hey, I'm sorry baby.

Baby, please come back inside. We can laugh a little and live and die.-

The water passes my lips and I hold on to my breath. I will hold on as long as I can.

-No, wait. See, I got this hot pot of Jonestown tea and it's been brewing for you & me.

Oh, it only takes one sip. Come on baby. Surrender your lips. I can take you someplace nice!-

I no longer hear the water and holding my breath becomes more of a challenge.

-Breed my disease! Be my disease! And vengeance will be mine.

It's closer than you think…-

I attempt to hold my breath one last time as it finally gives out. My mouth opens as I try to gasp for air, but water quickly fills my lungs. They feel like they're gonna burst! My eyes exploded open and with a quick notion everything went black...

-Come and drink with me.

We all die like cartoons. Surrender your children, kids who love to kill lies...all lies.-

Leo's point of view:

"How do we help him Donny?!"

"How should I know! I've never been raped!" Those words came out so cold.

"Donny you don't have be raped to help a rape victim! Somehow we gotta help him. And the first thing I think we should do is not mention it in front of him. We should be a little easier on him."

"Pmmmmf that's easy for you to say. He practically pushed me off of him telling me to fuck off and ran off screaming. This is gonna be harder than you think Leo," Don was right. We always left him alone when he was upset, but this time he couldn't be left alone and he needed us around more now that he's angry. This is gonna be a nightmare!

"I know Raph is hard, but he needs us more than ever. That's what Master Splinter would say. He always wants us to looks out for each other."

"Leo?" A tired squeaky voice was heard from the side of Don's bedroom door way.

"Mikey what are you doing up?" My voice was more frustrated than welcoming.

"Everyone keeps screaming. How can I sleep when people wanna act like they're out on the streets," my little brother rubbed his eyes, "Oh... and the floor is wet." Both Don and I looked at Mikey with a confused look.

"Did you pee yourself? Cus you know your too old for that..." Don concluded.

"No shellferbrains! I mean the floor is actually wet! There's water in my room and I don't know where it's coming from."

"I'll go check on it. For now sleep in my room." Don pointed to his bed warmly. Mikey happily jumped on the mattress and wasted no time in making himself cozy.

"Let me go maybe a pipe broke," Donny tiredly walked out of his room and down the hall.

"I'll go with you," I followed closely behind my brother as we quickly began to see traces of water spreading into Mikey's room.

"We're just gonna have to follow the water. It could be broken pipe after all and the last thing I need it for us to drown in our own home." We're turtles, but not fish.

I followed the trail of the water into the old part of the layer.

"Ugh! Great. It had to be here," don't get me wrong I loved this side of the layer, but it's old and it reminded of how Raph and I use to be. Best buds.

"Well these are old pipes. We're in the old part of the sew-"

"DON!" I couldn't believe what I was seeing. NO. I saw something floating in our old bathtub and I saw that the water pipe was running. Donny quickly turned it off, but to my horror I saw a red mask, wet and dirty stuck to the concrete ground as it sat in the puddle.

I lifted the body up from the water and the color on my face melted away.

"RAPH!" I pulled him out of the bathtub and folded my hands to perform CPR. I didn't know much, but I was frantic now. I performed mouth to mouth resuscitation and I had lost all control. He wasn't breathing. Fuck I was gonna lose him.

"YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME. Bro it was gonna be me and you. Dammit I don't care if we fought all the time," I kept pumping my hands on his chest, " I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS!" My face was drenched in tears. It was the worst I had ever looked.

"Come back to us Red!" My fists were wet now and sliding off his plastron, but his face became paler. "Baby bro come back to me..." I was getting exhausted.

"REEEEEED!" I yelled to the top of my lungs.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy that now made an IOS app that is very useful. I feel so late with this lol
> 
> Anyway, I'm so sorry that I took longer than a confession at church to type of a new chapter. I knew I would do something like this due to my experiences with this type of issue Raph is battling. It's never a pretty fact, but it's one that I've come to face. I stopped writing because I found that I was thinking of it more often than I should. Now that my head is back to normal, I will continue with the chapters and hope that you all enjoy and take what you can from this story. Thank you for being faithful and patient!

Leo's POV:

'It is common for survivors of sexual assault to initially deny they were abused.'

That's the first thing that popped into my head. The very first thing. I had my hands clenched together into a fist as I performed compressions on his chest. I was getting weak and a little more of Raphael was slipping away.

My Baby brother...

...was cold and unresponsive to my touches. I kept on pounding his chest. His damn slippery chest.

"Move!" Donatello pushed me to the side and I landed on my ass. My eyes are blurry and the tears make them sting. Donny knew what to do and made no hesitations. He was more steadier than I was an knew that if I kept going Raphael would die. He was breathing into him, but no breathe came back out. Not even a finger twitch.

It has been 20 minutes...those were the longest 20 minutes.

There I was...sitting in the puddle feeling helpless and useless. I have never looked so messed up in my life. Why would Raph do this to us? Why would he chose to end his life, instead of talking to us? Is really true what Donny said? Raaa...i can't even say the word. If I can't even say the word let alone think of it, what makes any of us think that Red willl accept it? I can hear the splash of water as his body jolted with every compression delivered.

...and there he was. I saw chest rise and then a corse cough. Water came pouring out of his mouth as every beautiful cough escaped his throat. I get to finally see those brown eyes.

Raphael's POV:

My fucking throat is sore. That is what I wake up to. That is what I feel when my heart starts beating my soul back into this painful world. It's cold. I'm cold and wet. I can feel water underneath me while someone gently slides their arm behind my back. I can barely move my head as that person picks me up and cradles me into there arms. It's FUR.

"Sensei..." my voice is barely heard, but a sound was good enough for my master to bring me closer to his chest as he sobs silently. I've never heard sensei cry. Leo did, but not me. My whole life was about anger and decipline. Never cuddles or hugs or any small gesture to let me know that I was apart of his heart.

'You, my son, are special, so special that I have to shield it. You...you my son, are the heart.'

...am I really the heart Daddy?

The next few hours were just as brutal. Master Splinter carried me to his room. HIS room. Let me repeat that. HIS ROOM. Now I never understood this, but why is it that when someone goes through something traumatic that now everyone feels guilty about it. They some how feel responsible for it. Like they were the ones fucking me on that roof top. I know how harsh that sounds, but the soft spoken words and the gentle touches that everyone, literally everyone, is omitting from themselves when they approach me is making me sick. I think I'm gonna vomit.

"Raphael," again with the soft voice. This time, from Master Splinter. It felt weird to hear him speak in such a tone. Part of me believes it's fake, but part of me wanted that voice for so long. I craved it more than any of my brothers.

"...Raphael," He repeated. Silence is all I could give him. If anyone should feel guilty about what happpened, it should be me.

"Someone has hurt you my son. The evidence is clear. No need to hide like you did when you were a child, Raphael. I know that I haven't been the best whenever we interacted with each other, but know this my son...

I would never allow this person to hurt you again." Again. That sent chills down my spine. How could I go through something like that again. That word is the stuff of nightmares.

'I'll fuck you where I want, when I want, how I want...I'm your daddy now.'

not again. Not ever again.

I curled my knees to my chest while I sat on Splinter's bed. "Ya paform like a dead piece a-meat," It was torture hearing myself say it. Even though I had said it low, it felt like it came out through an intercom.

"My son?" A confused, but concerned eyes looked at me. He walked over to me and sat on the bed. Can he hold me again?

"That's wa' he said ta me."

"Said who?" I really got his attention now.

"Shre..." something made me stop. Maybe I shouldn't tell Splinter. Maybe that's the Shredders plan all along. Maybe he wants my family to go after him, so he can kill them when their all together. I'd be left alone. After all...it wasn't me that he really wanted. He wants Splinter and Leo dead. That's what he always wanted. I'm just his pawn in this sick game.

"Neva mind," It's better that I don't tell.

"My son, you said someone said something to you. I can tell this bothers you, thus it bothers me..."

"Bothers you?!" I snapped. How dare he say it bothers him. Since when did he actually cared about how I feel? Since fucking when? "Since fucking when?!"

"Raphael! That tone will not be allowed with me!" I couldn't get up from the bed because clearly I was still healing from a missle being shoved up my ass. "I try Raphael, you have no right to talk to me the way you do,"

"Yea that's what they all say. That's all you do is yell at me. The least I can do is return the favor," I stared into his eyes as he tried so desperately to understand. How? How can he understand. He's never had to endure what felt like hours worth of pain and humiliation on the most intimate parts of your body.

"I don't know what to do with you! This why I must send you away."

"Send me away? You would fuckin' like that wouldn't chu? Just like ya did wit' Leo! Leo might have fell for it, but I'm not fallin' for that! My ass ain't goin' nowhere!" I attempted to stand up so I can storm out, but the pain was unbearable. I winced and gasped as a sharp stabbing sensation shot through my body. Yea I definitely wasn't going anywhere with my spaghetti legs. I lied on Sensei's floor remembering that day. It's strange how a few short seconds can lead you into a whole new direction. it alters how you think and see yourself. From a single moment of...my life was forever changed. No one will ever understand how I felt that day. No one will understand the repulsive person I know. Did I deserve it? I remember laying on the cold concrete on that roof top. Tears like elegant pearls danced down my face. Shredders ears were wide open but he couldn't hear my plea. I was covered by veil of darkness. The glowing moon looked down at me, peeking through a massive blanket of stars. I could touch it; it seemed so close. A piece of shit scum is what he'll ever be. The only thing he accomplished doing in life-is me.

Instead of returning the anger, my father hugged me. He hugged me. He knew something was terribly wrong. The one thing you couldn't hide from was Splinter's intuition. Splinter is a patient Rat and he'll wait if it means forever.

Donatello's POV

We were in Leo's room.  
"I told you something was wrong and no one listened to me!" I was frustrated. All kinds of frustrated. Miley sat across from us on the bed. He was confused and had no idea what was going on, but it was time to let him know the truth. He needed to know because that was his brother. Our little brother didn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to live this kind of life. Then again our very lives aren't garanteed.

"Mikey, I'm so sorry that you have to hear this," Leo was calm and tried to sound like the older brother he is, but after experiencing such an event this morning, you can tell that he still hadn't come down from it. His voice was still shaking.

"Mikey, I know that this I gonna sound absolutely crazy and it something that I never thought would happen to either one of us..."

"He tried to kill himself. I know. I saw it," His was voice was sad and low. I hated when my little brother sounded like this.

"It's not that he tried to kill himself. I mean that's relevant too, but it's why he tried to kill himself," Leo sat down beside our orange little bro. "Mike, Donny and I think that Raph might have been raped. We don't know how it happened or who did it, but there is plenty of evidence leading up to this conclusion." Leo was nervous telling Michaelangelo this. He paused and looked at me. He needed my help.

I decided to sit next Mikey too and hopefully be able to say this a lot better than what was in my head.  
"There was blood, lots of it. He was bleeding from his rectum." There was no other way to say it. Mikey is gonna be 16 while the rest of us will be turning 19. Leo 20. There was no other way to sugar coat it.

"Why would someone wanna hurt Raph that way? I mean I know that people wanna fight us and kill us, but rape us?" His voice cracked. To think something so horrific happened to one of us.

"It's going to take lots of time for Raphael to heal from this." When can we all wake up from this nightmare?


End file.
